20160528

<warning>this post contains far more unrelated detail than you're probably anticipating</warning>

Last night was a ton of fun. Had a dozen friends over for a card game tournament which went late into the wee hours (2:30am before the after-game games started - I went to sleep, sorry Liz - should have warned you...). It served as a fantastic distraction to the 'real world.'

Woodworking as recently evolved for me. It use to be something I simply enjoyed. You're might be familiar with various species of wood, their different grains and characteristics. Woodworking has always appealed to me on some level for its intention to abruptly bring amazing order to the product of decades of uninhibited entropy. But that's tangent for another day.

Recently, due to a desire to wrap up or at least make great strides on the bunk bed project, my wife has been playing interception to allow for greater stretches of uninterrupted time working on it. I'm more frequently finding myself home alone with my tools. In direct opposition to TV or video games, which give your mind something to occupy it while your body rests, woodworking gives me something to productively occupy my time/body while my mind rests/reflects. Don't get me wrong, I'm paying close attention with the saws and such, but the sanders, repetitive jig cutting, router, painting... These inparticular are time consuming and I'm typically wearing protection which further drowns out the rest of the world.

Word from the Doctors - I had been given a medicine a week ago that finally started to take the edge off the pain, but at a cost. It affected my nervous system directly and the side effects were pretty trippy to say the least. My fine motor skills are inhibited, balance is wonky, but most annoying of all was it's affect on my head (nerve related - go figure). But all of this was temporary till the doctors could figure out what was wrong. So when the time came around for the results of the various tests performed, needless to say I was ready to move on.

Now, I don't get discouraged particularly easy, but when the doc put my MRI on the screen and started explaining what was wrong, the world became very distant. By this point I had already anticipated something wrong with my back, but the list of issues kept going...

I've herniated the disk at L4-L5, caused a fibrous tear that's left a flap that wont heal, I've fully ruptured the L5-S1 disk, it's left a 5-6mm fragment in the spinal column impinging the nerge which is causing the pain in my leg, Degenerative Disk Disease, dehydrated disks, and this is only what I can remember.

I'm sitting here looking at the images thinking I knew I was hurt, but this is ridiculous. How does someone cause this much damage without ending up in a hospital, then I remembered where I was...

So I'm completely restricted from bending over and lifting. I'm finding 'creative' ways to perform some tasks. I've got a single exercise/stretch I'm instructed to do ever 2 hours. The medicine stays for now. Outside of that I have 3 doctors with differing opinions on treatment all with differing ideas on what 'recovery' will look like. Because numbness isn't a primary symptom, surgery isn't yet warranted - which I'm grateful for. I'm holding off on a spinal steroid for inflammation at the moment due to concerns and what appears to be progress with stretching. Recovery is going to take at least a year...

So a couples days ago I played driver for a friend. I would say I was helping him move stuff, except I couldn't lift anything, so I just drove the truck. So picture this for irony. He loads a few items up from one location with a similarly size fellow, but when we unload at his apartment, he is assisted by his less muscular roommates. So I'm standing there being passed by kids half my size struggling to move things trivial for me a couple months ago.

Today, I got to stand by and watch my 8-month-pregnant wife change the spark plug wires/plugs on our car because I can't bend over the block to help at all. I'm appreciative for one my live-ins at the moment who was knowledgeable and willing to help as I couldn't.

My strength isn't gone, I just can't use it. Perhaps that's the more frustrating aspect really. A prisoner to a cell without walls.

I don't have a exit strategy for this mess just yet, but I'll figure something out. Meanwhile, a quote keeps nagging me from the back on my head, “Remember teamwork begins by building trust. And the only way to do that is to overcome our need for invulnerability.”
― Patrick Lencioni

I recognize that I'm not invulnerable, but I still recognize a desire to be - a need to be. I fear that is precisely why I've been gifted this opportunity. Gratitude for said gift is very much still pending.